Letters to the Editors

I posted something on the Facebook to give me the idea to do this.  I stated that I was open to negotiations with gossip magazines for exclusive rights to my as of yet to be born baby’s first photos. 

I kind of really meant it.

So I emailed the editors of Us Weekly and People Magazine.

Really I did.

This is not a joke.

Well, I do joke in the emails to them, but I really really did email them.

You’re bcc’d in below….

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I wanted to reach out to you and let you know of an opportunity to have exclusive rights to the first authorized photos of my newborn child.  My wife and I are having our sixth and final child in September.  We’re not what you call your usual US Weekly story.  We’re married for one.  Our last name is not Kardashian, nor are we royalty.

We do make cute babies though.

While they’re wouldn’t be any outrageous stories about me partying all night with Justin Beiber while my wife is home with the kids.  There could be equally interesting stories like:

KRISTIE LEAVES BUTTER OUT! ERIC MUST EAT DRY TOAST

ERIC NEGLECTS TO TAKE CLOTHES FROM WASHER! LEAVES FOR WORK AND HIS PREGNANT WIFE MUST RE-WASH THEM!!

Most of the dramatic headlines will have to do with us leaving stuff out or something.

Maybe do a “Bolton’s They’re Just Like Us”….

KRISTIE PLAYS CANDY CRUSH WHILE ERIC WATCHED DOCTOR WHO WITH THE CHILDREN!!!!

We could even get unnamed friends of ours to say stuff like: “Their van is always dirty!!”

I know it’s not sexy.  But we’re awesome.  Our first five kids are awesome and this last kid is going to complete the awesomeness.  It will have to be an awesome filled issue!!!

Maybe have some Doctor Who pics in there too.  I can also give you a picture of some of the beans  I made the other day and a picture of Johnny Manziel .

Anyways about the baby. 

She’ll be born in September. Which means she wasn’t conceived on Valentine’s Day like the others could have been.

It’s simple math.

We found out she will be a she (well she was always a she, we just didn’t know she was a she, almost everyone but me and a handful of people thought she was a he) at a gender reveal party this past weekend.  We had friends and family show up and hang out and find out what we were having when we cut the cake.

It was pink.

You know, for a girl.

I could tell you all about the drama of that day, but that’s the story I will tell later. Believe me, it was a doozy.

So anyways, we’re a cool couple who is going to have another cool baby.  Maybe even cooler because this is the first baby we’re having after Pinterest was invented (A.P.) so we’ll make sure to have chevrons and crochet onesies.

If interested in the rights, my wife has an option for you to provide Tim McGraw at the delivery in lieu of payment.

I hope they give her two epidurals so she will stop thinking crazy like that.

Anyways, bang me on my celly.

Eric, Lord of Boltonshire.

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Do I think I'll get more than an automated reply?

Nope.

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