Face to Face with the Princess of Darkness [Once Upon A Time In Boltonshire]

Blogging is hard.  You have to constantly come up with new and interesting material all the time.  Since I blog about my family, I leave it to them to be interesting.  So in order to keep things going and acquaint new readers with the Boltons of the shire. I bring you Once Upon a Time in Boltonshire.

The following is from Juggling Eric in the Summer of '09.  The pregnancy in the scene is that of Emma.  It's stories like this where I'm glad I blog.


Kristie is now eighteen weeks pregnant. Which means that it is time for her sonogram. When she was pregnant with Loreli, I made it an effort to go to every OB visit. When she was pregnant with Seth, I made it to a little less. With Araceli, I think I showed up to give her a ride home after delivery. But I always enjoy the sonograms. This being my fourth sonogram, I consider myself a specialist in the ultrasound technology field. Even though we decided that we were not going to find out the sex of this baby. I knew that with my experience that I could tell just by the fuzzy sounds bouncing around my wife's uterus.

Upon close inspection of the test, I concluded that I saw Franks and Beans and not the Hamburger Buns. This is based off a brief glimpse of what I believed (in my professional opinion) was the groin area of my womb housed child. The test continued with the tech pointing out the kidneys and the liver and his spleen and his adamantium claws.

Well that last part isn't true, how could they be laced with adamantium?? I'll have to wait until he's older to apply his bone claws with the indestructible metal.

And when it was over, she said, "You're baby is healthy"

I had to hold back the emotion that was going to overwhelm me. After four kids, it never gets old. She gave us our DVD of the sono and we went to the patient benefits department.

We walked in on the high that we have a little X-Man in my wife's belly. It was the same lady that we've seen the past three kids when we've had to figure out our portion.  She doesn't remember us (why would she?  we've only come back like EVERY YEAR!!!), and started clicking away on her computer and calculator. My wife and I are still smiling like a couple of new parents of a future super hero should.

Or villain, depending on which public school we send them to.

Benefit Lady with all her personality and charm (notices the italics, that means sarcasm) drops the hammer and goes..

"You have high deductible and out of pocket, your responsibility is going to be…"

It was weird because she stopped at this point. We thought that maybe she was going to cushion the blow. But instead flames erupted behind her, she stood up with fists clenched in the air. With a Beelzebub voice she spat out her conclusion…

"NINETEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!! MEAT SOCKS!!!"

"MWU-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

Bye be Smile.. Bye Bye Euphoria.

"MWU-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

We asked the Princess of Darkness if she was serious. Kristie's deductible is met, her out of pocket is almost met. We shouldn’t have to pay anything, very little at the least.

"THREE PAYMENTS OF 635 STARTING NEXT MONTH!!!!!"

But..

"MWU-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

"THE DUE DATE IS JANUARY 10TH! THE DEDUCTIBLE WILL HAVE STARTED OVER BY THEN"

But she..

"MWU-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

WHY DID I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH MY WIFE ON APRIL TENTH?!?!?

It wasn't even a special occasion. The other kids have a convenient birthday about nine months after Valentines' Day…

So, we started to petition the spending of the 1900 bucks..

"She's been a patient of the doctor for over 14 years, does longevity have any consideration in paying this??"

"MWU-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

"Does the fact that she delivers 3 weeks early on all the kids make a difference??? She'll deliver at Christmas time.. We won't need to meet the deductible.."

"MWU-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

I thought about going to an Obama town hall meeting and asking about Universal Health Care. But they told me we had to be on a ten month waiting list before we can schedule a delivery…

"MWU-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

So, we left the benefits room thinking about what we need to sell like the Suburban and Kristie's old violin. I considered charging Michael rent since he's turning 14 this month, his freeloading days are over.

Now, what have we learned from all of this? We've had an emergency fund, my Health Savings Account is in place to cover the out of pocket, but the problem with that is that it's not all available on day one. So, we're not doing everything wrong.

But I'm putting Kristie on the elliptical (A.K.A. The Expensive Clothes Holder) I bought her last year once she hits 37 weeks.  We're not going past Christmas dangit...


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Follow up on this post.  Kristie did do the elliptical and we did go past Christmas.  We were in the Labor and Delivery on Christmas day though.  Emma was born on the 27th.  So the Franks and Beans  I saw was obviously a glitch in the ultrasound equipment. 

Welcome to Boltonshire.